First published by the now defunct, Digit Books of Kensal Road, London........the Sergeant Bilko Joke Book by Nat Hiken contained scripts to three Bilko shows plus a collection of gags archived from the life and adventures of America's most outrageous soldier, Sergeant  Ernie Bilko........here we present a random selection for you to enjoy.....


Bilko: "Now look here, Corporal Henshaw, there's two dollars missing from the petty cash box in my office. You and I have been the only ones in that office today. Now what are you going to do about it?"
Henshaw: "Well, I'll tell you. Let's each put back one dollar and no one will know about it."

  1. "Yes," . . . . as Colonel Hall put it so aptly . . . . "it's a wonderful restaurant the boys in my company own . . . . everyone goes there but the board of health."
    "Yes," . . . . as Colonel Hall put it so aptly . . . . "it's a wonderful restaurant the boys in my company own . . . . everyone goes there but the board of health."
  2. Rocco stood in the telephone booth at the PX and raged. "I'm sorry, sir," . . . . said the telephone operator, "but that number has been taken out." "Oh, is that so," Rocco replied. "Can you give me any information as to who took her out?"
    Rocco stood in the telephone booth at the PX and raged. "I'm sorry, sir," . . . . said the telephone  operator, "but that number has been taken out." "Oh, is that so," Rocco replied. "Can you give me any information as to who took her out?"
Dillingham was home to the farm on furlough and went walking through the fields with the daughter of a neighbouring farmer. As they were walking along holding hands he turned to her and said, "You see that cow over there with the little calf? Look how she's kissing him . . . . Say, I'd like to do that, too." "It's all right with me," replied the farmer's daughter. "It isn't my cow."
  1. Ernie said, "Listen, I once kibitzed a poker session with some of those Texas oil millionaires. Boys, you talk about steep games. What a game this was. In the first ten minutes, Galveston changes hands three times."
    Ernie said, "Listen, I once kibitzed a poker session with some of those Texas oil millionaires. Boys, you talk about steep games. What a game this was. In the first ten minutes, Galveston changes hands three times."
  2. Paparelli: But, Doc, I got bad eyes! Doctor: Don't worry. In case of war we'll put you up front. You won't miss a thing.
    Paparelli: But, Doc, I got bad eyes! Doctor: Don't worry. In case of war we'll put you up front. You won't miss a thing.
While Kadowski was hospitalized he fired veritable volleys of questions at anyone in range. One morning he asked the doctor, "Hey, Captain, in civilian life, were most of your cases accidents?"
"I don't know," the surgeon replied.
"How come you don't know?" Kadowski persisted.
"Soldier," the captain said, "I was an obstetrician."

  1. "Doberman," Bilko bellowed, "what's the first thing yo do when you clean a rifle?" "I look at the serial number." "What's that got to do with cleaning a rifle?" "Just," Dobie said, "to make sure I'm cleaning my own rifle."
    "Doberman," Bilko bellowed, "what's the first thing yo do when you clean a rifle?" "I look at the serial number." "What's that got to do with cleaning a rifle?" "Just," Dobie said, "to make sure I'm cleaning my own rifle."
  2. In stumbled Rocco Barbella one night as miserable as can be. "Wha' happened?," everyone asked. "Man," was the reply, "did they ever throw a party." "So why do you look so unhappy?" "I was the party they threw."
    In stumbled Rocco Barbella one night as miserable as can be. "Wha' happened?," everyone asked. "Man," was the reply, "did they ever throw a party." "So why do you look so unhappy?" "I was the party they threw."
Bilko was discussing technical data with Corporal Henshaw at the motor pool. Slyly, he threw a trick question at him. "If you were telephoning from Boston to a man in California and there was another fellow standing two hundred feet away, which one would you hear first?"
"The man on the telephone," Henshaw replied easily, "because the speed of electricity is faster than the speed of sound."
That evening in the barracks, Henshaw felt pretty cocky. He ambled over to Rocco's bunk and tested him with Ernie's trick question.
"The man in California would sound off first," Rocco answered without hesitation.
Surprised but undaunted, Henshaw said, "What makes you think so?"
"Because," Rocco replied, "it's three hours earlier in California."