An out-of-towner strolling in New York spotted a sign in a window, "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." He entered the store and asked, "How come you have this name?" The Oriental explained, as he struggled with his English, that when he landed in America, he was standing in the immigration line right behind a German. When asked his name, the German answered, "Hans Schmidt." Then the immigration official asked the Chinese for his name and he replied, "Sam Ting."


My glasses aren't essential. I just need them for little things like addressing an envelope - or finding the post office!


I had a week off after taping several guest shots and a friend suggested that I go away for a vacation. "How about flying down to Miami?" he said. "Fine," I said. "The weather's great in Cuba this time of year."


At Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, they've even got slot machines in the men's room so you can get washed up and cleaned out at the same time.


My definition of a gentleman is a guy who takes off his hat after he beats a woman to a subway seat.


One night a swarm of passengers on a cruise ship came ashore at a tropical island, got high and began whooping it up. In their hut on the other end of the island a couple of natives were awaked by the noise. "What's that?" asked the first. "I guess," replied the second, "the tourists are restless tonight."


How about the hypochondriac kid who is going to run away from home as soon as he gets all his prescriptions filled in.


Just think of all the men in this country who dream of marrying one of the Gabors.......and do!


Did you know that if you combine IBM and LSD you get a business trip?


On a recent flight in from Hollywood, I saw an airline hostess getting even with a persistent flirt. When the lights dimmed for the movie, a murder mystery, she leaned over to him and whispered, "The butler did it."



I commute between New York and Los Angeles quite often and I admit I'm always nervous before a flight. But the last time I went I saw a man who was almost hysterical with fear and had to be practically carried aboard the plane. It was pathetic..........he was the pilot.


I dropped by one day to watch insult-comic Don Rickles tape a TV show. He mentioned that he was going to work at a certain hotel in Las Vegas.  "That's nice," I smiled, recalling the many times he'd put me down. "Doing what?"