"Glad to see you."
"Love that boy."
"You fool you."
"I had an unusual beginning in show business - I started at the top."
"When the cameras are turning you are monkeying with my pride. When the man says 'roll 'em' you are fooling with what I exist for."
"I think you can do a comedy show on just about every subject under the sun as long as it relates to the audience."
"I learned people like a sign of weakness in a performer. It makes him seem more human, and gives them more of a fellow feeling toward him." Explaining why, when younger, he wore empty frames in his trademark glasses
"When Nat first thought of this Army thing, I didn't like it. But it had one major quality - it wasn't show business. I'm fed up with comedies about show business."
"I've got some news for you."
"At the height of his career, Frank was asked to go overseas to entertain our armed forces. I got a call from his manager. Would I go with him? I did, and taught him some comedy routines - Frank loves comedy. We were a smash. Talk about women reacting to Frank's singing - you should have heard the men." Phil when asked about his USO tour with Frank Sinatra
"I had adoration before, but it was never anything like this. It was a limited-type adoration. Now they adore me all out." Speaking when the Bilko show was top dog
"By George! That was a good one." Usually uttered when somebody made an unfunny remark
"On my show you always take the far camera. I get the front one. Remember that."
"This is very clever; I wrote it myself."
"You're brilliant? Say something in algebra."