Season Three 1957-1958:
Staged by Aaron Ruben
Additional Staging by Charles Friedman
Directed by Al De Caprio
Director of Photography: William J. Miller
Production Manager: M. Clay Adams
Recording Engineer: James Shields
Art Director: Richard Jackson
Additional Art Direction by Robert Rowe Paddock
Film Editor: Ray Sandiford
Musical Supervisor: John Strauss
Additional Music by Hank Sylvern
Coordinator: Kevin Pines
Supervised by Edward J. Montague
Settings: Jack Landau
Re-Recording by Dichter Sound Studios, Inc.
Filmed by Kenco Films Incorporated
Based at Fort Baxter, Roseville, Kansas
71. Bilko's Merry Widow
First aired 17 September 1957 - Written by Nat Hiken & Billy Friedberg
$500 has been offered, by the Roseville Woman’s Club, to the first theatre group to bring a production of their work to the Roseville Civic Auditorium. Bilko cannot resist and so he sets himself up as the famed producer Max Steinhart and sets about organising a performance of Franz Lehar's The Merry Widow. He chooses this show as the writer will have no royalties due to him as he's been dead well passed the copyright ended. The colonel then bans all WACs from taking part, so Bilko persuades Principal Hermione Nightingale to borrow him some of her 'Young Girls School' ladies.
Trivia: This was the last show to be co-written by Nat Hiken.
72. Bilko's Boys Town
First aired 24 September 1957 - Written by Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan
Bilko tries to dupe his way to Las Vegas but the colonel has none of it. Instead he leaves Ernie and his platoon at camp to guard Fort Baxter whilst the rest are on manoeuvres, for two weeks,in the Nevada desert. To make some quick money Ernie opens his own boy’s camp called Camp Poconocohoochee but he hasn't reckoned with a boy called Roger who’s as sharp as Bilko himself!!
73. Hillbilly Whiz
First aired 1 October 1957 - Written by Coleman Jacoby & Arnie Rosen
To the delight of Bilko he has a new recruit who has an unerring aim in pitching rocks at targets, with either arm. His name is Hank Lumpkin, a Southern boy from Tennessee. Hank says he learnt how to throw by hunting squirrels. Bilko cooks up a scheme to sell him to the New York Yankees for $125,000 - Not reckoning without Lumpkin's girlfriend Lula Belle.
Trivia: Appearing as themselves in this show are Sports announcer Red Barber, Baseball stars; Yogi Berra, Whitey Ford, Gil McDougal, Phil Rizzuto and Dan Topping the owner of the New York Yankees. Yogi Berra said of Hank Lumpkin; "He reminds me of Doberman!"
74. Bilko's Valentine
First aired 4 October 1957 - Written by Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan
Bilko forgets Valentines Day and upsets his girlfriend, Sergeant Joan Hogan. She has had enough; she quits the army and departs to Sumter. Ernie is very upset, he goes to see Colonel Hall and asks him if he can run an army recruitment drive from Sumter. He arrives and pitches the whole drive around Joan and she starts imagining him in all sorts of guises.
75. The Big Man Hunt
First aired 15 October 1957 - Written by Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan
On his way to Topeka for the 'Poker Olympics', Bilko catches sight of the front page of a newspaper. The picture is of Red Thompson, a GI whose life Ernie saved at Saipan during World War II. Red has discovered diamonds in South Africa and is looking to reward the soldier who saved him 15 years ago and.......
76. Bilko's Double Life
First aired 22 October 1957 - Written by A.J. Russell & Sydney Zelinka
Bilko, Henshaw and Barbella are on furlough in the big apple when Ernie is mistaken for his double, the multi-millionaire Herbert Penfield III. He finds himself leading a life of luxury on Herbert's credit. Back in Kansas the real Penfield is visiting relatives and finds out how bad being Bilko is!!
77. Sergeant Bilko Presents
First aired 29 October 1957 - Written by Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan
Hugo Lockman, a new recruit to Bilko's Motor pool, has a great gift for playwriting. He's selling tickets for his new play 'Sharecroppers summer' - Ernie sees a chance to make a fast buck, why not get the army to run a playwriting contest. Thinking Hugo will win easily, however the Pentagon is inundated with scripts from camps all over America.
78. Papa Bilko
First aired 5 November 1957 - Written by Sydney Zelinka/A.J. Russell
During World War II, whilst in France Ernie looked after a French family. All of them called him 'Papa' even Mignon the little daughter. Now the young Mademoiselle has grown into a woman and she visits Bilko in the United States. Ernie has to keep his men in check from such an attractive lady, especially the devilishly handsome Pearly Johnson.
79. Bilko Talks in His Sleep
First aired 19 November 1957 - Written by Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan
Grover and Ritzik ask local waitress Gladys if they, together, can take her out. She says she'll think about it and give them an answer later. Then Bilko spots Gladys in the same diner and says he can take her to the posh Cotillion club for dinner. Bilko needs to raise money to take her out so he organises a ''Guess how many jelly beans in the jar' contest. Grover goes mad about Ernie getting Gladys and vows revenge. He hears Bilko talking in his sleep and asks him how many beans in the jar and.......
80. Cherokee Ernie
First aired 26 November 1957 - Written by Arnie Rosen/Coleman Jacoby/Phil Sharp/Terry Ryan
Ernie goes to Tulsa with his friend, Corporal Charlie Whiteagle, on leave to play poker and get some 'oil money'. When there, Charlie's parents are hauled up before the Bureau of Indian Affairs for some trivial misdemeanour. Ernie helps with their defence as 'Bald Eagle' Bilko and he finds in the Owitashi Treaty that the Indians may own Oklahoma!!!
81. Bilko Buys a Club
First aired 3 December 1957 - Written by Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan
Bilko wants to buy a night club next to Fort Baxter called Twin Oak Flats - A run down derelict property. He can't afford the down payment of $750. The National Guard then arrive in camp on manoeuvres. One of them is a rich banker. All Ernie has to do is find out who it is and ask him to donate to the Old Soldiers home. Worse still the Pentagon are to use Twin Oak Flats for bombing operations!!
82. Lieutenant Bilko
First aired 10 December 1957 - Written by Sydney Zelinka & A.J. Russell
Ernie Bilko is finally going to leave the army but then everything changes. He finds out that he is actually a Lieutenant! During WWII he was given, for three hours, a temporary battlefield commission and it has never been rescinded. Bilko thinks he is owed $14,000 in back pay so he stays on.
Trivia: According to the writing credits this show was written by Sydney Zelenka
83. Bilko at Bay
First aired 17 December 1957 - Written by A.J. Russell/Sydney Zelinka/Terry Ryan
Trying to get to New York on the cheap, Bilko, Barbella and Henshaw arrange to stop off at the homes of members of the platoon for free meals. They pop in to see Mrs Paparelli first, then trouble flares at the home of Doberman's mother in Altoona, Philadelphia when they get used as hostages by bank robbers on the run.
84. Bilko F.O.B. Detroit
First aired 24 December 1957 - Written by Sydney Zelinka & A. J. Russell
Bilko and his platoon are in Detroit to pick up an order of a consignment of trucks. So that they haven't got to go back to the camp Ernie finds fault with the new trucks. He expects to stop at a top hotel with all expenses paid by the firms boss Roger Bellman without reckoning with the boss’s son who tells his dad to make them stay on site. Then Bilko has an idea - sell Bellman his 'Army Do-it-Yourself training kit' - Which has already been turned down six times by the army!!
85. Bilko and the Flying Saucers
First aired 31 December 1957 - Written by Coleman Jacoby & Arnie Rosen
Bilko needs a way of getting to Washington to see his past love, the beautiful singer Bonnie Morgan. He conceives the idea of reporting flying saucers so that he can be summoned to the Pentagon. Only thing is when he tells Major Lukens about the little men from Mars he starts seeing and hearing them too!!
86. Bilko and the Colonel's Secretary
First aired 1 January 1958 - Written by Sydney Zelinka/A.J. Russell/Phil Sharp/Terry Ryan/
When the colonel's secretary is suddenly transferred to administration school, Bilko decides he will pick the replacement himself. He wants a friendly WAC who will keep his name off the duty rosters. He gets one, Corporal Blanche Ripley, from Camp Miller. But she resents being transferred away from her boyfriend, Bill Harrison, and so proceeds to make Bilko's life a misery.
87. Doberman the Crooner
First aired circa 10 January 1958 - Written by Phil Sharp/Terry Ryan/Vin Bogert
A home-made record amazes the whole camp when the crooning voice turns out to be Duane Doberman. Bilko appoints himself as his manager and arranges to make some more recordings. He then discovers that Duane only sings brilliantly when he has a cold. So Bilko gets him vaccinated but.........
Trivia: The song Doberman repeatedly sings is Annie Lawrie (Maxwellton braes are bonnie….)
88. Bilko Presents Kay Kendall (Photo click
First aired 17 January 1958 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan
UK actress, Kay Kendall is in America to publicise her new movie. She has so far been to New York, Philadelphia, Washington, Detroit and Chicago next stop? Roseville. Bilko bumps into Kay and recognizes her and then goes about trying to get her to star in a play for him - Romeo and Juliet. But Kay doesn't like the fact that Ernie charges $10 a head per ticket. She feigns being drunk before the show and all the money is given back to the paying GI's. Then she appears and does the show for free!!!
Trivia: English actress Kay Kendall played herself in this episode..
89. Bilko's Cousin
First aired 24 January 1958 - Written by Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan
The imminent arrival at Fort Baxter of Bilko's cousin fills the camp with panic and Ernie with pride! But when Swiffington 'Swifty' comes he proves to be very dim and gullible - so much so that even Doberman nearly sells him an army rifle!! Ernie decides to get him off camp by making him an officer.
90. Bilko's Pigeons
First aired 31 January 1958 - Written by Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan
Following an order from the Pentagon, Fort Baxter has to finally get rid of its back-up communication system, all of the carrier pigeons. So it's goodbye to Wing Ding, Hasty Belle and Scatter Brain. Bilko isn't happy as he races them most days!! The birds are actually quite valuable so he sells them to George Baker Collingsworth III. The birds return to Bilko's cage as they are homing pigeons. So before returning them to George he decides to sell them again but a shock is in store for Ernie......
91. Cyrano de Bilko
First aired 11 February 1958 - Written by Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan
It's Bilko's 'Hold back the dawn dance' and one of his platoon, Harold Westroom, cannot pluck up courage to ask a girl to dance. So after the dance Bilko helps Harold to land the girl of his dreams, Natalie Rumplemyer. Ernie then suspects that Natalie is only after Harold’s money. So he decides to woo her himself. Not realising, that there are two Natalie Rumplemyer's - the Aunt and the Niece!
92. The Colonel's Reunion
First aired 17 February 1958 - Written by Coleman Jacoby & Arnie Rosen
Colonel Hall launches 'Operation Moonbeam' his codename for stopping Bilko's gambling empire at Fort Baxter. In just a few days he succeeds in flushing out gambling in the gun shed, furnace room, barracks and the motor pool grease pit!!! Bilko fights back by getting the colonel invited to a reunion of his old 33rd Regiment which is being held at General Whitney’s estate in Chicago. Whitney cannot wait to see the colonel or as he used to call him 'MELONHEAD.' Bilko accompanies the colonel on his trip and soon realises that the colonel is the butt of all of the jokes. And so Bilko poses as Agent X43 and Pierre Boudouir to get the generals respect.
93. Bilko Saves Ritzik's Marriage
First aired 22 February 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby
Ernie Bilko and chums are playing poker when Rupert Ritzik turns up with a bunch of flowers. Asked where he's going, Ritzik tells them he's off to meet his wife, Emma as it's there fifteenth wedding anniversary. Bilko tells him just to have the one hand of cards and Rupert agrees. Then the time reaches dawn and Ritzik is in big trouble.
94. Bilko the Art Lover
First aired 5 March 1958 - Written by Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan
Ernie goes on furlough to New York, staying at the luxury mansion of one of his old GI's Carlisle Thompson III. When he arrives he walks into an argument between Carlisle and his father over what he wants to be, an artist. His father wants him in the family shipping business. Bilko is shocked when Carlisle leaves the mansion to move to a loft in Greenwich Village. Bilko follows and........
95. Bilko the Genius
First aired 14 March 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen/Coleman Jacoby/Phil Sharp/Terry Ryan
Buzz Grogan the old motor pool Sergeant makes a visit to see Ernie. He tells him how he's now loaded and he owns 300 taxis. He says he got where he is now by attending a business administration course whilst in the army. Bilko attends a test for the same and when his paper is mixed up with another soldier he is promptly sent to a school for geniuses. Whilst there, he gets all the other boffins together to work out a way of predicting the horse race results.
96. Bilko Male Model
First aired circa 19 March 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby
Whilst in Chicago, on a mission, Ernie goes on the town and is snapped with a pretty girl. The photograph then appears in Life and the magazine receives over 10,000 letters in two days asking who the soldier is. An advertising agency is very impressed and sends for Bilko.
97. The Colonel's Inheritance
First aired 4 April 1958 - Written by Phil Sharp/Terry Ryan/Paul Jordan
Colonel Hall's second cousin twice removed, Peter Yates, leaves him $5,000 in his will. Bilko arranges for his own personal MPs, Rocco and Henshaw, to deposit the money in the bank. Whilst at the bank Bilko overhears a supposed sure-fire tip about International Plutonium shares and he invests the $5,000 in them. The stock collapses, leaving Bilko to make up the money in the next hour or face the guardhouse.
98. Bilko's Honeymoon
First aired 11 April 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby
Paparelli is into competitions big time but he never wins anything. Until one day he gets a telegram that says he's won first prize in a contest and it's an all-expenses paid trip for two to a top Miami hotel. Bilko get's to be his partner on the trip. The only oversight? The competition was for newlyweds. So Ernie gets Dino to dress as his wife!!
99. Bilko's Chinese Restaurant
First aired 25 April 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby
Bilko has a new platoon member, Wong Lee. Bilko thinks with the help of Wong he can start a chain of Chinese restaurants. He gets Mess Sergeant Ritzik to change the camp food supply to all oriental cuisine. When Pentagon officials arrive looking for some soldiers for a PR job with the Chinese people of Macoochi Island they are sure they've found the right men in Bilko and his platoon!!!
100. Operation Love
First aired 30 April 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen/Coleman Jacoby/Terry Ryan
WACs at Fort Baxter get so mad at their men; they are spending too much time gambling with Bilko instead of seeing them. All the WACs decide to get transferred to other camps. The men are very angry with Ernie. So he joins the local poetry circle in the hope of recruiting potential new members to the WAC's.
101. Bilko's TV Pilot (aka Doberman, Cowboy Hero)
First aired 6 May 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby
Montana Morgan, a young cowboy, joins the motor pool and Ernie gets the idea of getting CBS TV to make a Western pilot film around him. After sending some photos to Hubbell Robinson of CBS however, he finds that they are more interested in Doberman for a series. Bilko thinks he can do the job himself and so he makes a pilot film around "Tex" Doberman.
Trivia: Hubbell Robinson, top Executive of CBS TV, appears as himself in this show.
102. Bilko Retires From Gambling
First aired 13 May 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby
Colonel Hall, in another of his periodic attempts to clean up Fort Baxter, hires one of the world's greatest card manipulators, Paul Draylen, to pose as a recruit named Pavaloni. In a fixed game with Grover, Ritzik and Coogan and with a deck stacked by the expert, Bilko finds himself losing all of his money to Ritzik, the worst player on the camp.
Trivia: World famous card manipulator, Paul Draylen appears as himself in this show.
103. Bilko's Vacation
First aired 23 May 1958 - Written by Terry Ryan & Neil Simon
Bilko wants a free holiday at Dimmeldorf lodge; he convinces the platoon that they should all go there. Then he manages to rope in the colonel to go as well! When they realise what has happened the colonel and the men get their own back.
104. Bilko's Insurance Company
First aired 30 May 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby
Paparelli has a near motor accident which gives Bilko the idea of starting an insurance business, 'Bilko Baxter', for all of the men on the camp. The scheme works well and Ernie makes a lot of money until he is tempted to extend his operations. He offers a special 'multiple maternity' benefit to a pretty WAC called Sally, who marries a member of Ernie's platoon, Gunther, and leaves Bilko facing ruin.
105. Bilko's Prize Poodle
First aired 3 June 1958 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan
A little poodle, called Louise, shows great affection for Private Doberman. Bilko sees the chance of winning $10,000 in a dog show. The entire camp cooperates in grooming the dog for the show, which she wins, only to be disqualified through an error in her registry papers which points out that she really is a mongrel.
106. Bilko's School Days
First aired 10 June 1958 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan
Bilko wants a transfer to somewhere in the pacific. Then he hears that Fort Baxter will be a new military training school. He decides to stay on and welcome the 1500 new recruits to his poker games. Then he finds out that they aren't ordinary soldiers, but MP's.
107. Joan’s Big Romance
First aired 24 June 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby
Instead of going on a date with Sergeant Hogan, Bilko slips off for a poker session with Grover and Ritzik. Joan catches him in the act and promptly finishes the relationship and takes a furlough to Chicago. Whilst on the train a wealthy man sits next to her, Randy Vandermeer. A picture of them together appears in a well-known magazine. Bilko sees it and vows to win back Joan.
Trivia: Last appearance of Joan Hogan on the show.