Season Four 1958-1959:​

Staged by Aaron Ruben
Writing Supervised by Billy Friedberg
Additional Staging by Charles Friedman
Directed by Al De Caprio
Director of Photography: William J. Miller
Recording Engineer: James Shields
Film Editor: Ray Sandiford
Art Director: Richard Jackson
Additional Art Direction by Robert Rowe Paddock
Assistant to Producer: Kevin Pines
Assistant Director: Peter Scoppa
Wardrobe: William Griffin
Makeup: Bob Kelly
Settings: Jack Landau
Musical Supervisor: John Strauss
Additional Music by Hank Sylvern
Produced by Edward J. Montague
Filmed by Kenco Films Incorporated

  1. Diana Dors Keeps in Step!
    Diana Dors Keeps in Step!
Based at Camp Fremont, Grove City, California

108. Gold Fever​

First aired 23 September 1958 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan

Bilko finds a map that seems to show the site of a gold mine near Grove City, California. He notices that near the site is an ex-army barracks last used in 1918, Camp Fremont. Ernie tries many tricks to get the camp reopened and then he even gets Colonel Hall to be the new commander. The whole of Fort Baxter moves to the camp and they all start prospecting.

109. Bilko's Vampire

First aired 1 October 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

Sergeant Ritzik now spends a lot of his time watching scary films on the 'Shriek Theatre' TV programme. Bilko thinks he should be playing poker with him. To get back to normality, Bilko convinces Ritzik that the programmes are turning him into a vampire 'Count Ritzik of Transylvania' - soon Hollywood beckons.

110. Bilko's De Luxe Tours

First aired 8 October 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

Bilko and henchmen go to the Grove City PTA and they buy their old school bus for $25. The train service between San Francisco and Grove City is almost non-existent. Bilko starts his De Luxe tours - taking in famous places like Clark Gable's ranch. All is going well until the train service expands to five trains a day.

111. Bilko the Potato Sack King

First aired 15 October 1958 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan

One of Bilko's old buddies offers him a post with his potato sack company as Sales Manager, his wages? $20,000 per year. Some other firm brings out plastic bags and the sack company loses all their orders. Ernie thinks of an idea - why not try and get the army to make their uniforms out of a new fabric, Burlicon. This just happens to be burlap, the sack making material.

112. Bilko vs. Covington

First aired 22 October 1958 - Written by Neil Simon/Terry Ryan/Arnie Rosen

A battle-royal comes to the camp between two of the sharpest minds ever, Bilko and Sergeant J.J. Covington. To get rid of Covington, Bilko spreads a rumour about wanting a transfer to a remote part of Japan to go looking for pearls. Covington gets his own back by conning Bilko into thinking there was a new use for volcanic ash and Ernie buys 30,000 tonnes of it. Soon a truce is called, but not before Grover unwittingly outdoes them both.

113. Bilko Joins the Navy

First aired 28 October 1958 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan

Bilko, Zimmerman and Paparelli are on a three-day-pass in San Diego when they hear of a huge crap game. Disguised as sailors, they break into the game but are raided by the Shore Patrol and end up as cooks on an aircraft carrier off to Alaskan waters!!!

114. Bilko's Big Woman Hunt

First aired 5 November 1958 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan

Henshaw is smitten and then suddenly the woman leaves him. Bilko was sceptical that it wasn't real love that Henshaw had. Then in a hotel Ernie hears an explosion in his head and he falls head-over-heels for a pretty dancing instructor named Ellen Hodges. He loses her and can't find her anywhere, so he goes to the police and gets a police artist to draw his description. 

115. The Bilkos and the Crosbys

First aired 12 November 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

There is a new recruit in Bilko's platoon, Lindsay Crosby the son of the legendary crooner Bing. After hearing from Lindsay that in the past his relatives could have been Crosby's Bilko starts fantasizing on what might have been.

Trivia: Appearing as themselves in this show; Gary, Dennis, Phillip and Lindsay Crosby, 

116. Bilko's Allergy

First aired 19 November 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

Colonel Hall receives a tax refund of $305.40 and Bilko wants it. Then, Ernie gets an allergy which prevents him from playing poker - he's allergic to cards!! He even sneezes when playing via walkie-talkie. The MO diagnoses that he is feeling guilty over his treatment of Colonel Hall. So Bilko organises a testimonial dinner for the colonel so as to cure himself. The colonel though thinks Ernie is up to something.

117. Bilko & the Chaplain

First aired 26 November 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

Bilko comes back from San Francisco pining for Sherry, the girl he's just been with. He goes to see the colonel to try and get a new pass by saying his Aunt Martha has died. The colonel replies, 'she was buried last year in Milwaukee during the World Series!!' He is granted his pass when the chaplain promises to go with him. Whilst there, the chaplain asks for a favour off Ernie. He wants him to stop a real estate agent closing down a home for boys….

118. Bilko Presents the McGuire Sisters

First aired 3 December 1958 - Written by Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan

Bilko puts on a camp show that features Frank Sinatra, Kim Novak and the McGuire Sisters. Trouble is it's a con - they are all just namesakes - indeed the McGuire Sisters are a Hungarian trapeze act!! Ernie doesn't realise that Doberman loves the McGuire's. Duane writes to them to tell them how much he is looking forward to their appearance and that he will be in the third row. The sisters check with their agents as to why they haven't been told about the show then they turn up and.........

Trivia: Appearing as themselves in this show; Christine, Dorothy & Phyllis Aka the McGuire Sisters and legendary US actor Mickey Rooney.

119. Bilko's Secret Mission

First aired 10 December 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

Ritzik tells Ernie he has developed a sure-fire way of winning on the roulette wheel, apparently all based around astrology. Then Bilko and Ritzik are selected for a secret mission to Nevada, just about 40 miles from Las Vegas. Ritzik stumbles across an experiment in a room and becomes magnetised. They need to get away from the compound. Then armed with Ritzik's astrological roulette formula they head for the casino.....

Trivia: Appearing as himself in this show Dean Martin.

120. Bilko's Giveaway

First aired 17 December 1958 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

With no money and in Hollywood, Ernie gets on a quiz show and his partner turns out to be a child genius. They win loads of things but no cash! He is charged $6000 in taxes on the items he has won but he can't pay nor sell the things for a profit. So he dreams up the idea of a GI quiz for the TV. One contestant is Doberman, who week after week, answers successive questions on his favourite subject - comic books.

121. Bilko and the Medium

First aired 22 December 1958 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan

Bilko needs money so he can buy a pool hall. The Ritziks have just received a telegram stating they have won $500 in a raffle. Rupert Ritzik hides the money in a book. Bilko and his henchmen find the money, after Rupert inadvertently leads them to it. The Ritziks have been going to Madame Zaboda's séance and will only take financial advice from a medium. Ernie says his own 'medium' Madame Flossie is good too. 

122. Bilko's Bopster

First aired 1 January 1959 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

When the famous jazz drummer Skinny Sanders joins the platoon, Bilko dreams of forming an all-army jazz band and touring Europe. But the army has no other talent for the band. Ernie goes to San Francisco to try and entice Skinnys musician mates to join up. The band is formed, but seeing how good he was at forming one the Pentagon makes him sort out another band to tour the Pacific.

123. Bilko's Hollywood Romance

First aired 9 January 1959 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

Monica Malamar, a hot-tempered film star, has just got her fifth divorce. Her Press agent thinks the best thing for her would be a romance with an ordinary soldier to help her image. Bilko manages to get the job. Then when in Hollywood he takes over everything forcing Monica's bosses to try and get rid of him. It seems Bilko is taking over the whole studio!!

Special. Keep in Step (N.B. not officially part of the Bilko show franchise)

First aired 23 January 1959 - Written by Billy Friedberg/Arnie Rosen/Coleman Jacoby/Terry Ryan

This was an hour long special broadcast, sponsored by Pontiac, as part of the 'Pontiac Star Parade'.

The Phil Silvers Special, with the cast and crew from The Phil Silvers Show and guest stars including Sydney Chaplin (son of Charlie) and British movie star Diana Dors.

Ernie stages, Bilko’s Brevities a musical celebration of the beauties of the Silver Screen. There are six musical numbers included. These are; 'I've Got the World on a String' 'Plea to Colonel Hall' 'Famous Beauties of the Silver Screen' 'Emma' 'Ballad of Bilko' and 'Freeze'.

When the colonel finds out that Bilko has blown the money for the show on a racing bet he cancels the show and orders Bilko to repay the money. When Ernie learns that musical star/director Lenny Langford is to be recalled toactive duty he goes all out to ensure that Langford winds up at Camp Fremont. Bilko persuades him to write his (Bilko's) life story into a stage musical, for which he hopes to cast Cary Grant in the lead role. Bilko is then doubly disappointed to learn that Grant is unavailable and that a comic actor named Phil Silvers will play the part instead. (Hence Silvers essayed both Bilko and himself.) Producer Edward Montagne said that Phil Silvers could not pronounce the sponsors name - he kept calling them Potniac!

124. Bilko's Grand Hotel

First aired 28 January 1959 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan

Bilko is just about to open his new pizza business when Paparelli and Zimmerman accidentally burn it down. Then he meets a "character" called Chester J. Hilton and he suddenly has a brainwave - open a hotel, put Chester in charge and call it the Grove City Hilton. He figures that the real Hilton chain would have to pay him to close it down. A $5000 cheque is just about to be handed over when Paparelli and Zimmerman.......

125. Bilko's Credit Card

First aired 28 January 1959 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

Bilko is in San Francisco's Maison De La Restaurante trying to impress a lady but all he can afford is two coffees. She dumps him. He needs money so he comes up with the idea of the GI's Gourmet Guild, a credit card business for the GI's at Camp Fremont - run by Bilko of course. All the local bars, restaurants etc all sign up. Members are enticed away from the army food by Ernie saying that the Cook Rupert Ritzik has a very contagious disease. When the first payment needs to be made - no men on Camp - they've all gone on surprise early morning manoeuvres, which leaves Bilko owing his creditors $5000. He goes to the manoeuvres and impersonates a British officer to try and get his money. Final line of this episode comes from the British officer, 'How did you chaps beat us in 1776?'

126. Viva Bilko

First aired 11 February 1959 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan

Bilko, Paparelli, Doberman and Zimmerman take a trip to Mexico. They visit a bar and are robbed by bandits who also change clothes with them. The bandits go around more banks dressed as American soldiers led by the feared robber El Muchacho, a Doppelganger of Doberman. The foursome eventually retrieves their clothes only to be arrested by MPs, at the border, for violating their three-day-passes.

127. The Colonel's Promotion

First aired 18 February 1959 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

Bilko needs to resort to using Radar to track Colonel Hall after a gambling clean-up drive is started. The colonel is after promotion. When he is turned down Bilko tells the colonel to go straight to the Pentagon. Fearing for her husband Mrs Hall tells Ernie to follow and keep an eye on him. Whilst in Washington, Ernie tries to get the colonel onto President Eisenhower's golf foursome. He even talks with the 1948 US Masters champion, Claude Harmon!!

128. Bilko's Sharpshooter

First aired 25 February 1959 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan

Bilko's men have been sent to operate the rifle range targets. Rupert Ritzik is cleaning up with bets on his crack shot Pete Masters. Bilko wishes his platoon could have somebody who could rival Masters. Then Grover brings new recruits onto the rifle range and the person from mark number 5 gets 10 bull’s-eyes, a new post record. Ernie wants to find out who it is - it seems it was a little guy called Emil Schneider or was it?

129. Bilko's Formula Seven

First aired 4 March 1959 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

When Private Jenkins is servicing a Jeep a mixture of applejack juice and crankshaft oil falls on his face and it seems to make him a lot younger. Ernie sees a chance to make money so he calls the new potion 'Bilko's Formula Seven' - He gets Rupert Ritziks wife, Emma to help him market it by doing some commercials. He's just about to do a big deal with cosmetics magnet, Deborah Darling when.......

130. Bilko's Ape Man

First aired 18 March 1959 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

Private Forbes, a former PT instructor, joins Bilko’s platoon. Ernie enters him in a 'Mr Universe' competition. The chances are scuppered when his protégé is thrown out after Ernie tries to bribe one of the judges. Next he tries to get Forbes a film career; he makes a film with him fighting a gorilla. Colonel Hall spots the creature (really Doberman) and sends out the army.

Trivia: Appearing as a fainting lady is the legend that was Lucille Ball.

131. Warrant Officer Paparelli

First aired 25 March 1959 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan

Bilko, sick of the Colonel's discipline, has a plan to get one of his own men to be an officer - Paparelli. When General Wheeler comes to the camp Ernie gets Dino Paparelli to do brave things to make the General make him into an officer. Tasks like capturing an escaped wild bobcat in the General's bedroom.

132. Bilko's Godson

First aired 3 April 1959 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan

Fed up with getting bills Ernie decides to change his name to Woodrow Hopkins. But then he gets a telegram asking him to be Godfather to the boy of a GI friend. They will be naming the baby after Ernie, so he keeps his name after all. He wants to get his new Godson enrolled for the Stanford University class of 1977. He is told only ex-students or graduates can be enrolled that far in advance. So he decides to sit the entrance exams himself. Using, Fleischman for history.  Turk, the bookie, for Maths. Moose, Turks’ henchman, the science exam. The only problem? Getting each person into the Exams!!

133. Guinea Pig Bilko

First aired 17 April 1959 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

Colonel Hall is so happy as he tricks Bilko into testing a new tranquilizer pill on behalf of the Pentagon. It has the effect of removing his love of money! Unfortunately, gambling at Camp Fremont becomes worse than ever without Bilko controlling operations and his men take over his schemes. In desperation, the colonel attempts to return Bilko to his normal raucous/gambling-mad self.

134. Bilko the Butler

First aired 24 April 1959 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

A friend of Bilko marries a rich socialite whom he met through the USO and the sergeant decides he will emulate the feat. At the San Francisco USO he turns down dinner on a fishing boat to dine at Nob Hill Mansion. The hosts are a butler and his wife but Bilko wangles himself into a millionaire's cocktail party as a butler. He overhears a stock market tip then calls Henshaw and........

135. Ritzik Goes Civilian

First aired 1 May 1959 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

Emma Ritzik persuades her husband, Rupert, to leave the army and open a roadside diner, instead of losing all his money to Bilko at poker. Bilko's men shun him for causing Ritzik to leave, so he visits the couple and finds that they were swindled over their diner. He helps them get their money back and.....

136. Bilko's Small Car

First aired 8 May 1959 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan

The colonel gets Bilko to go into town to pick up his brand new European sports car. Bilko uses the car to transport some of his gambling equipment. The police seize the car after spotting the illegal gear. Bilko decides to make the colonel a sports car by converting a Jeep. The business goes so well that soon he is making ten more and....... 

137. Doberman, Missing Heir

First aired 15 May 1959 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

England's Lord and Lady Rockford, a millionaire couple, are looking for their long-lost son. They think they have found him in the shape of Duane Doberman. In order to get some of his inheritance, Bilko dreams up the idea of marrying Duane to the stripper, Dixey Darcell but then........

138. Bilko's Casino

First aired 20 May 1959 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan

Volunteers are needed to clean Grove City's USO and the colonel tells Bilko's men it's them. Whilst there, Ernie comes across a very old document that says that the building is exempt from the states anti-gambling laws. The building is bought by him and the platoon does it up into a casino. Then a local gambling syndicate muscle in so Bilko dreams up the idea that Doberman is secretly an FBI agent and.....

139. The Colonel's Second Honeymoon

First aired 29 May 1959 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

Refused a furlough by Colonel Hall, Bilko contrives a fight between the colonel and his wife Nell. Ernie says to make up they should go on a second honeymoon. After they have gone Ernie gets his furlough papers from Captain Barker and sets off for Sun Valley. He then finds himself at the same hotel as the Halls and.....

140. Bilko in Outer Space

First aired 5 June 1959 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan

Sergeants Ritzik and Grover have won over $600 so they need to avoid Bilko at all costs, otherwise he'll have the cash off them like a shot. Grover camps out in the woods and Ritzik goes to the Drive-in cinema all night. Finally Bilko gets them by planning a perfect way of getting the three of them alone together, he tricks them into volunteering for a three-day space indoctrination test and then he joins them in the dummy space chamber.

141. The Bilko Boycott

First aired 12 June 1959 - Written by Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby

Sick of Bilko taking the platoons money, Henshaw sets up a Gamblers' Anonymous at Camp Fremont. Bilko's income drops dramatically as a result. So Ernie leaves alone the 8,000 GIs on the post to concentrate his money-making efforts on the 2,000 WAC's!! But he comes down with measles and......

142. Weekend Colonel

First aired 17 June 1959 - Written by Neil Simon & Terry Ryan

The colonel installs closed circuit TV throughout the camp so allowing him to clean up the constant gambling on post. Colonel Hall then takes his wife Nell, on a weekend break. By chance, Bilko finds the colonel's double in a cafe, he's the chef Charlie Clusterman. Charlie owes a debt collector $150 so he needs money quick. Bilko agrees to pay him the money to impersonate Colonel Hall and so he installs him as the camp commander whilst the colonel is away. He gets all of the cameras removed and Bilko organises a Monte Carlo night for the officers and.......

Trivia: Final words from Ernie Bilko ‘That’s All Folks!!’